i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
