Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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