he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
