i jhust puked up my retainher.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
