I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
