this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
