i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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