Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we're so committed to being not committed
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
