I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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