bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
