you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
