3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
