Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
