i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
