Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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