Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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