I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
