my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
