Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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