I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
