i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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