Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
