If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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