So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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