Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
