I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
