Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She made me pour olive oil on her.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
