I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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