You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
