i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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