apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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