The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
