saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
NoShamevember. You game?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
