I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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