Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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