I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
