he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
