I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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