Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
