You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
