Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
