if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you made out with another girl for some wings
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
