Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
