I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
