Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
