Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
