I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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