You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Two words: nipple clamps
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