My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
