I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
