I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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