Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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