im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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