My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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