Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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