Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
