SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
