I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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